Creating a safe haven – Part II
Internal peace
In personality psychology, a term called locus of control
refers to the two areas which either influence you, or, you influence. External,
which are the things you have no control over like the weather and your
environment, and internal which are the things you have the ability to change. The
enthusiasm you have toward life, your attitude, the extent of which you love
others and allow others to love you are within your control. When life happens, people could either lean
more toward one or the other or be
balanced with both giving them a clear view and understanding of what thoughts
should predominantly occupy their mind to be at, or keep their peace. Those influenced by the external environment
tend to be more high strung, complain a lot and feel victimized by their
circumstances. They have a passive
approach to life and aren’t proactive because, to them, their efforts wouldn’t
change anything even if they tried. The
key to gaining internal peace is to find that balance.
After losing my mother, it felt like all hell broke
loose. The trauma of how we lost her (an
external factor), affected how I thought about myself and more severely God’s
love and healing. It felt as if one of
the pillars of my foundation was taken from under me. The effects came without warning and in waves
interrupting my concentration, my relationships with people and of course with
God. I was made aware of my incompetence
when I made mistakes I knew I would never have made if I were in my right mind. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I felt victimized and bullied, having allowed
the victim mentality to overshadow every blessing that came my way and every
valuable relationship God gave me. I
still had amazing opportunities but I couldn’t see them. All I focused on was my pain. It was like my heart was on my sleeve and I
allowed people to poke and prod at it.
Emphasis on allowed. They controlled
my emotions through the words they said and I put expectations on people who
didn’t know how to help me. Peace was
far from me. On the verge of an
emotional breakdown, I decided to do a certificate course in Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy, a course I'm still busy doing. Just making that
decision, I felt like I had a handle on things, even though nothing changed externally and, the more I applied what I learned,
the more control I gained. I would like
to share the 3 major things I’ve learned so far.
First, was identifying
what was external and beyond my control. These things included the opinions others had
of me. The manner in which I was treated
or spoken to. The grace or lack thereof
I was given. The mood of those around me
and whether they saw value in me or not. Having affirmation as a love language,
criticism and nit-picking was particularly difficult for me but I had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t force people to appreciate or value me.
The second was identifying
the things that were in my control. I realized that the biggest problem was the pain
I carried and that when people were hurtful to me, it was heightened based on
the fact that I exposed the most vulnerable part of me. I could not control that my mother was taken
in the way she was, but I could choose to allow God to heal me. The healing process was and still is rough. I've had to value my healing process enough to guard my heart against itchy ears who wanted to hear about my problem to form an opinion but whose opinion more often than not caused more harm than good. I've needed to confront things that I'd still prefer to keep buried and talk honestly to God about how I've felt and sometimes still feel in vulnerable prayer sessions. I looked at what inner healing options were available at my
church and talked to someone professionally trained in the area of the psyche.
I had control over my emotions and I
could choose to remove the power I gave to others to define who I was. I was and still am, determined to not allow how I acted or
failed to act, to negatively shape how I viewed me because though the trauma happened, I was not going to be a product of it. Another thing in my control was my attitude. If others judged me at this vulnerable time,
it was their decision but I had to remind myself that, this broken person isn’t
who I will always be. The victim was no longer a label I wanted to wear.
The third, one would think, should have been to medicate,
but I chose not to. After 5 sessions with
a psychologist who helped by pointing out how my brain processed grief, I felt I
gained enough control not to. I
chose to weather the storm because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll speak about this in more detail in
another post. In my world, the third was and still is the most important,
because, after the above factors were identified, I had to forgive God and then forgive myself. I had to tell myself to have mercy on me until it came naturally. I had to make
peace with the process, something
you will read me write time and time again
True peace, comes from God. In John 14:27-29 Jesus said, “ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” As much as He
gave peace as a gift, He emphasized that the onus was on us to allow or
disallow our hearts to be troubled, implying that maintaining that peace
requires diligence and commitment. You
have to want to stay in peace because if you don’t value it enough, anything
can take that peace away. And when you
go through the minute, hour or day in peace, rejoice in the Giver of
peace. He provided relief in the
struggle and refreshment for the journey.
Rejoice you never lost your mind, because so many do. Rejoice you slept through the night because
there was a time you couldn’t. Look for
the value in the people around you
and treasure them. Tell them you
treasure them. Invest your time and the energy in them and distance yourself from those who only take from you. Matt 5:9 says that” Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” To create the safe haven of internal peace, I
suggest you start with the most important person to make peace with and that
is… yourself.
"The extent of which you love others and allow others to love you are within your control"
ReplyDeleteFood for the soul! Enjoyed it very much!!
I relate so much to the locus of control.
ReplyDeleteI used to call it the circle of influence and the circle of concern.
Now I know the proper term.
Thanks for sharing.
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