Creating a safe haven – Part II

Creating a safe haven – Part II

Internal peace

In personality psychology, a term called locus of control refers to the two areas which either influence you, or, you influence. External, which are the things you have no control over like the weather and your environment, and internal which are the things you have the ability to change. The enthusiasm you have toward life, your attitude, the extent of which you love others and allow others to love you are within your control.  When life happens, people could either lean more toward one or the other or be balanced with both giving them a clear view and understanding of what thoughts should predominantly occupy their mind to be at, or keep their peace.  Those influenced by the external environment tend to be more high strung, complain a lot and feel victimized by their circumstances.  They have a passive approach to life and aren’t proactive because, to them, their efforts wouldn’t change anything even if they tried.   The key to gaining internal peace is to find that balance. 

After losing my mother, it felt like all hell broke loose.  The trauma of how we lost her (an external factor), affected how I thought about myself and more severely God’s love and healing.  It felt as if one of the pillars of my foundation was taken from under me.  The effects came without warning and in waves interrupting my concentration, my relationships with people and of course with God.  I was made aware of my incompetence when I made mistakes I knew I would never have made if I were in my right mind.  My self-esteem was at an all-time low.  I felt victimized and bullied, having allowed the victim mentality to overshadow every blessing that came my way and every valuable relationship God gave me.  I still had amazing opportunities but I couldn’t see them.  All I focused on was my pain.  It was like my heart was on my sleeve and I allowed people to poke and prod at it.  Emphasis on allowed.  They controlled my emotions through the words they said and I put expectations on people who didn’t know how to help me.  Peace was far from me.  On the verge of an emotional breakdown, I decided to do a certificate course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a course I'm still busy doing.  Just making that decision, I felt like I had a handle on things, even though nothing changed externally and, the more I applied what I learned, the more control I gained.  I would like to share the 3 major things I’ve learned so far.

First, was identifying what was external and beyond my control.  These things included the opinions others had of me.  The manner in which I was treated or spoken to.  The grace or lack thereof I was given.  The mood of those around me and whether they saw value in me or not.  Having affirmation as a love language, criticism and nit-picking was particularly difficult for me but I had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t force people to appreciate or value me.

The second was identifying the things that were in my control.  I realized that the biggest problem was the pain I carried and that when people were hurtful to me, it was heightened based on the fact that I exposed the most vulnerable part of me.  I could not control that my mother was taken in the way she was, but I could choose to allow God to heal me.  The healing process was and still is rough.  I've had to value my healing process enough to guard my heart against itchy ears who wanted to hear about my problem to form an opinion but whose opinion more often than not caused more harm than good.  I've needed to confront things that I'd still prefer to keep buried and talk honestly to God about how I've felt and sometimes still feel in vulnerable prayer sessions.  I looked at what inner healing options were available at my church and talked to someone professionally trained in the area of the psyche.   I had control over my emotions and I could choose to remove the power I gave to others to define who I was.  I was and still am, determined to not allow how I acted or failed to act, to negatively shape how I viewed me because though the trauma happened, I was not going to be a product of it.  Another thing in my control was my attitude.  If others judged me at this vulnerable time, it was their decision but I had to remind myself that, this broken person isn’t who I will always be. The victim was no longer a label I wanted to wear.

The third, one would think, should have been to medicate, but I chose not to.  After 5 sessions with a psychologist who helped by pointing out how my brain processed grief, I felt I gained enough control not to.  I chose to weather the storm because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’ll speak about this in more detail in another post. In my world, the third was and still is the most important, because, after the above factors were identified, I had to forgive God and then forgive myself.  I had to tell myself to have mercy on me until it came naturally.  I had to make peace with the process,  something you will read me write time and time again

True peace, comes from God.  In John 14:27-29 Jesus said, “ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  As much as He gave peace as a gift, He emphasized that the onus was on us to allow or disallow our hearts to be troubled, implying that maintaining that peace requires diligence and commitment.  You have to want to stay in peace because if you don’t value it enough, anything can take that peace away.  And when you go through the minute, hour or day in peace, rejoice in the Giver of peace.  He provided relief in the struggle and refreshment for the journey.  Rejoice you never lost your mind, because so many do.  Rejoice you slept through the night because there was a time you couldn’t.  Look for the value in the people around you and treasure them.  Tell them you treasure them.  Invest your time and the energy in them and distance yourself from those who only take from you.   Matt 5:9 says that” Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”  To create the safe haven of internal peace, I suggest you start with the most important person to make peace with and that is… yourself.